Oh, To be Selfish...

2019 is the year I turn 25
— Me to me

On August 20th, 2019 at 12:23am, I would have lived TWENTY-FIVE years on this Earth. Twenty five whole years. Now what does that mean?

2019 is the year of ‘Me’

It’s all about being selfish. Selfish with my time, my energy, my happiness, my body, and my mind. I wake up feeling very anxious because I feel completely different about the people in my life. I wake up and have these intense feelings about moving across the world and completely transforming myself.

I have found new hobbies and new interests that don’t seem weird, but familiar; as if i’m rediscovering the old me. My therapist told me that from the moment we’re born, we have all these layers, almost like clay, placed upon us; and it’s up to us to peel back those layers so that we can get to the true essence of ourselves.

As these layers of insecurities, bad relationships, and childhood trauma are being pulled back, my true light is seeping through. I have always tried to distance myself from my passions by giving them a different name so that they won’t be associated with my personal name or just not releasing them at all, but I am becoming so confident and I really am so blessed and so grateful.

So what are you going to do now?
— Me to me

That’s an interesting question. What do I do now? Now that I’ve woken up and feel completely different, completely new, what should I do now?

Well first, I have to clean my room, again. It’s Quarter 2 of 2019 and the Spring weather is starting to show a little bit more so that means, it’s almost time to break out the ‘thotfits.’ But waking up differently has affected my physical taste too. I have cravings to be more glam, to eat better, to go to better places and live more luxe.

I have to be more disciplined. You should always spoil yourself, but lately I’ve had this intense need to spend frivolously. It’s almost like I can’t stop. But I have goals, I ant to be successful and financially free. I have to invest in better things for myself. Things that will help me grow and push me to the next level. I also want to move out so there’s that.

I have to cut people out of my life. This is a lot harder than it sounds; at least for me. I didn’t just wake up feeling differently about any old person in my life. I woke up feeling differently about people I thought I was growing close to, key people. It’s almost like the whole world shifted when I was asleep and my spirit just woke up feeling different. I can’t ignore my intuition anymore. It’s like two north magnets, my being is repelling itself from things I can’t take.

Can y’all really just leave me alone?
— Me to everyone

I don’t feel like being bothered. This is where my comfort zone becomes quite uncomfortable. I’m such a social butterfly and I love to be around good company, but it seems that nobody is good company anymore. Everyone wants a little ‘clout’ and it seems that they’ll sell their soul to get it.

the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.

Integrity is something I intend to learn about and practice more because it’s becoming something so important to me. With the launch of ‘Baddie Brigade’ (shameless plug), it’s become so important for me to remember why I’m doing this, who I am when I started, and where I intend to take this brand and community. That I will not sway in the presence of opportunity if that means compromising my beliefs or betraying my sisters.

Integrity within friendships is also important. When you have a big group and then smaller circles within that group, it’s hard to navigate. Integrity allows you to navigate those circles without compromising your relationships with other people.

I’m feeling rude. I feel that I’m always the bigger person within conflict. I always try to be understanding but I’m actually quite over it. I’m over feeling like I have to hold my tongue when the disrespect was quite loud. I’m tired of being the mediator in situations where the other person was the aggressor.

I’m just tired as hell.
— me to me

Anyways, I am learning so much about myself and I intend to keep learning. I want more peace. I want more understanding. And most all, I want more growth.